Recall the Hurt
• It is difficult but necessary to recall the hurt and important not to minimize or deny your pain.
• Don’t make excuses for the offender.
• Do not recall the wrong as a means to “finger point,” but as a way to objectively review what has occurred.
• Journaling is a great way to work through anger and hurt. It organizes your thoughts and helps you acknowledge the truth in clear black and white.
• Sometimes writing a letter to the offender is helpful, but don’t mail the letter.
Empathize with the Person
• Write a letter as if you were the offender. You should write about your thoughts, feelings, insights, and pressures. Make this a letter of apology. How difficult is it to do this?
• By placing yourself in the shoes of the person who transgressed, you can begin to understand why the person did what he or she did.
• This does not remove blame from the individual but does serve to show that people who hurt others are often hurting deeply themselves.
Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness
Human power alone is not sufficient to reach full forgiveness. There is an element of forgiveness that is divine. It cannot be reached without God. Frank Minirth
• Think about the “giving” of forgiveness. Think of a time when you did something wrong and were forgiven. Reflect on the wrongdoing and guilt you experienced. How did it feel to be forgiven? Would you like to give the gift of forgiveness to the person who hurt you?
• Write a blank check of forgiveness. Write in your journal that this day you have released the offender from the debt he or she owes you.
• You may want to write down the offenses the person has done and then write “Canceled” or “Paid in Full” over them. Through this step, also recall the great mercy and grace of God toward you.
Commit Publicly to Forgive
• Write a certificate or letter of forgiveness stating that you will no longer ruminate on the wrongs done to you, but don’t send it.
• By participating in some outward expression of forgiveness, like mentioned above, you will be more prone to remember that you have forgiven and are thus freed from the plague of unforgiveness.
• Also, by disclosing your forgiveness to others, you will be held accountable to your decision to forgive the transgressor.
Hold On to Forgiveness
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. Martin Luther King Jr.
• Hold on to forgiveness when doubts arise. There is a difference between remembering a transgression and not being willing to forgive, and remembering it knowing you have forgiven the person.
• Make “Stones of Remembrance.” After God parted the Jordan River so the Israelites could go through on dry land, God told Joshua to have each tribe choose a stone so they could all be piled up as a memorial to the great things God had done that day. The stones served as a remembrance for the people and their children in times to come (Joshua 4). It is good to have something “concrete” to help you remember the day you set your offender free. Maybe this would be notes, pictures, or some other physical object that jogs your memory of the choice you made to forgive.
• Let it go—place it far behind you. When Corrie ten Boom (a Nazi concentration camp survivor) was reminded of an offense someone had done to her, she responded, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” Though you may never really forget, you can remember that you forgave.
Another useful model has been developed by Earl and Sandy Wilson, and is based on John 21:15–19:
It’s a wonderful experience to be restored in a relationship that has been broken because of sin. Peter experienced this. The story in John 21:15–19 describes how Jesus restored Peter to fellowship with Himself after Peter had sinned by denying His Savior. Three times Christ asked if Peter loved Him; three times Peter responded that he did; three times Christ responded by giving Peter the responsibility to care for His flock—the believers. When Jesus spoke to Peter with the words, “Follow Me,” He restored Peter to fellowship and reinstated him as a disciple. What a glorious moment that must have been for Peter!
David also experienced the blessing of being restored. After he had committed the sins of adultery and murder (2 Samuel 11), he repented and faced the consequences of his sin (Psalm 51). He concluded his repentance with the prayer, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Ps. 51:10). David longed to be restored to fellowship with God.
Restoration
Restoration comes when believers:
• admit their sin (confession)
• turn from their sin (repentance)
• accept responsibility for the consequences of their sin (restitution)
• face the truth about what they have done and learn to live with truth as a focus of their life
• allow God to replace their powerlessness with His power (humility)
• walk in the light of their renewed relationship with God, their family, and their brothers and sisters in Christ
But how do believers who have fallen into sin get to this point? It often happens through the intercession of caring brothers or sisters in Christ who are called by God to be “restorers.”
A Pattern for Restoration
Galatians 6:1–6 emphasizes the responsibility of Christians to be involved in the restoration of others who are “overtaken in any trespass.” Restoration is God’s work carried out by brothers or sisters who are mature in the faith, watchful, and caring.
1. Reveal the Fruit of Gentleness
When it comes to participating in the restoration of a fallen brother or sister, believers should “restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness” (Gal. 6:1). The biblical balance is gentleness toward the sinner and firmness against the sin. Note the careful warning in that same verse: “considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” Believers must be careful because they might be tempted to feel that they are better than the one needing restoration. The sin of pride could leave them in need of restoration themselves.
2. Bear One Another’s Burdens
When you don’t forgive someone, in some way that person is in jail, and you are the warden. You’re incarcerated, too, because you have to make sure the prisoner stays there. Kerney Franston
The next verse says that believers must “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). Carrying one another’s burdens means to be actively involved in helping. Luke 5:17–19 gives an example of a man’s friends who literally carried his burden—the man himself, because he was paralyzed—and brought him to Jesus for healing. They acted, Jesus responded, and the man was made whole. The formerly paralyzed man experienced the joy of restoration—both physically and spiritually—and his friends had the joy of seeing God work.
Restoring sinners is not an option. It is a responsibility. When believers are involved as restorers, they are fulfilling the law of Christ. It follows that to ignore a brother or sister caught in sin is to disobey the law of Christ.
3. Remain Humble
God knows every human being inside out. He knows how easy it is for people to become proud, especially when they are used to help another person. Helping others to be restored must never become a source of pride. “For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Gal. 6:3). The work of restoration is given to some people as a blessing from God Himself. And they should see it as a gift from Him. It allows them to be blessed by God as they do a special work. They get to see God’s love, grace, and mercy in action, and it can be a life-changing experience. Even so, Paul gave a strong warning against pride, reminding his readers that God does the changing. People are just His instruments.
4. Examine Self
Galatians 6:4–5 calls each restorer to “examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For each one shall bear his own load.” These verses provide important teaching about two very confusing questions. The first question is, Do I have to downplay my ability or deny what God has done through me to avoid the sin of pride? Clearly the answer is no. The text says people should examine their own work, and then they will have rejoicing in themselves alone. Looking carefully inside ourselves can help us understand our weaknesses and vulnerability, even as we also see the abilities God has given us to do what He asks us to do.
The second question, How do I avoid pride if I acknowledge the good I have done? also has a clear answer: Believers must not compare themselves to others. Their concern isn’t whether or not they are better than another person. Their concern should be to keep in step with the Spirit (Gal. 5:25) so that God can continue to show His power in them.
Galatians 6:6 says, “Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.” This verse indicates a partnership between the believer and the Holy Spirit. The Spirit instructs His people; He also produces the blessing that results from our obedient, caring efforts.
Further Meditation
Other passages to study about the issue of restoration:
Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 18:15–17, Romans 12:17–21, 2 Corinthians 7:10, 2 Timothy 2:24–26, Philemon 10–19
BIBLICAL UNDERSTANDINGS
He shall restore its full value, add one-fifth more to it, and give it to whomever it belongs, on the day of his trespass offering. And he shall bring his trespass offering to the Lord, a ram without blemish from the flock, with your valuation, as a trespass offering, to the priest. Leviticus 6:5–6
The Old Testament offerings were designed so that the offender might receive God’s forgiveness. But the wrongdoer also had to take responsibility for his or her behavior by making restitution to the person who had been wronged.
We, too, must take responsibility for the effects of our sins on others. We need to be reconciled not only to God but also to those whom we have wronged. Biblical law holds us responsible for our own behavior.
And when [David] had called for Absalom, he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king. Then the king kissed Absalom. 2 Samuel 14:33
Despite all that Absalom had done, David allowed for the possibility of reconciliation by forgiving his son. Absalom, however, had no tears, no repentance, no change of heart. Indeed, Absalom would eventually try to take his father’s throne (2 Sam. 15:10).
One person can forgive, but it takes two to reconcile. Forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation. Forgiveness, however, does put salve on those who are willing to let go of the hurt and wrongs done by others.
I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25
When the guilt of past sins weighs us down, we must remember that when we seek forgiveness, God “blots out” our transgressions and forgets our sins.
The idea of blotting out sins is a picture of wiping the slate clean. Whatever sins we have committed, God promises to erase. He knows what we have done but He treats us as though we have never sinned. Because God has forgiven us our sins, we must forgive ourselves.
Jesus was saying, Don’t even keep count; just keep on forgiving. Then he told a parable about a man who, after receiving great forgiveness for a large debt he owed to someone, refused to forgive a person who owed him a small debt. Jesus was illustrating that we sinners have been graciously forgiven by God—and are being forgiven daily, over and over again. We should be just as gracious in forgiving others.
To refuse to forgive shows that we have not understood how much God has forgiven us, or have not allowed God’s saving gift to transform us deeply.
There is a difference between mental forgiveness and gut forgiveness. For example, when a person has had an affair, frequently the wronged spouse will choose to forgive with the head right away, but it will take the gut months to catch up.
Charles Stanley
But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:26
Jesus stated that God’s forgiveness of us is somehow related to how we forgive others.
When we accept God’s forgiveness of all the wrongs we have done Him, we should be so grateful that we offer willingly the same kind of forgiveness to those who have wronged us.
To refuse to forgive others shows that we do not appreciate the forgiveness God offers us.
PRAYER STARTER
Lord, Your servant has been deeply hurt. He [she] wants to let go, to be free of the pain, but he [she] is finding it very difficult. The emotions go all over the place and he [she] doesn’t want this pain affecting one more waking moment. Can You help him [her] let this go? Can You help him [her] forgive this offender as he [she] has been forgiven by You? Can You give him [her] Your new life once again?…[1]
